Have you ever felt so completely responsible for something in your life? I never had till very recently.
I was always a little detached from everything even when I was in the midst of all the activity. In my growing up years all I wanted to do was leave home and go somewhere far off. I wanted to be somewhere incognito and I would live life just like I wanted to.
That’s what led me to leave home as soon as was possible and work in Bangalore. But, Bangalore was hardly the place that would give me complete privacy. The amount of friends and relatives there made it a second home. I got caught up in the activity. But, somewhere deep inside, the restless me still wanted to go away to that place far away… all alone… where no one knows me, no one knows of me. The only two people who made me rethink were my parents. Unknowingly they kept me back. Unknowingly they stopped me from vanishing into nowhere.
I moved to Thailand and eventually got married. The rigmarole of married life awakened the dormant desire to run away. Even pregnancy couldn’t curb the feeling, it was so strong. I would be worried about our dog once in a while but that too wasn’t strong enough. Many a times, after many an argument, I just wanted to pack a small bag and leave. My husband knew I may if the desire ever overpowered my rational senses. He never took chances. Made sure all the door were locked and the keys safely with him. I gave up, even though the other me egged me on. I told her – Some other day.
After quite a while, very recently I had my adventurous twin dropping by to say ‘hi’ again. She reminded me of all those mountains and lakes and plateaus. She told me stories of the moon-washed beaches and never ending oceans. She told me of the little girl who promised herself a life away from all else but just herself and her dreams. My twin can be very persuasive. She almost convinced me to leave the chair and throw in a few things in a holdall, when someone cried out from the bedroom. I was jolted out of my reverie.
I ran over to lull my baby back to sleep. Looking at him I told my twin “It ‘ll be difficult traveling around with so little a baby. My dreams have to wait. I won’t be able to give all of me if I leave my heart here. After all theres always the connection…”.
My dreams, my twin left. May be to return at some later date when I have learnt to live apart from my heart.